Tuesday, May 24, 2016

That Very Thin Blue Line

I realize that some of you may not know that along with being a National Guardsman, my husband is also a Police Officer.
I am a very anxious person, and yet I have chosen to stand by and love a man who has not one, but two professions that test me emotionally every day.
I love him, so there isn't any other option than to fully support him in his decisions to protect this country and community.
My life is drastically different than anything I ever pictured growing up, 
but it is one that I am proud and happy to live.

That being said,
as we transitioned from the deployment in Afghanistan and my role of being a military wife, 
to becoming a LEO wife 
(law enforcement officer), 
many things changed:
perspective, expectations, perceptions.

The LEO wife lifestyle is a completely different animal than that of a military wife.
There are many similarities,
but one of the biggest differences as a military wife is that foreigners and terrorists are attacking your husband on foreign soil, 
not your neighbors in your own backyard.
Military men and women are trained to fight and be aware of many situations, 
but in general there is a more, 
for a lack of better words, 
"typical" scenario scheme they are prepared for.
Generally, they go in with an idea of what they will be dealing with, 
and it is rare to deal with things that differ from that.

Police officers are trained for a multitude of scenarios, 
yet going into shift there isn't really any sort of "typical" things you can prepare for, so to speak.
The stories I hear sometimes from him as he comes off shift are things not even a Hollywood screenwriter could come up with.
I'm serious. 

They can deal with a drug bust, followed by a missing person's call, an abuse call, a child neglect call, a fatal accident call and a mentally unstable being all in one shift.
There isn't really any way to prepare for that.
Every day he leaves for shift, unaware of what he will encounter.
That is scary.

Both careers deal with the very real possibility that one day, that shift or that mission, may be their last, and they may never make it home.
That is what brings me to write this post today.

I never really was planning on sharing this facet of our life with the world,
but today, I have too many things floating around in my head to not try to sort them out.
To not share what it is like to live as the wife of a man who puts his life on the line in a world where majority of society doesn't support him.
Where there are movements against the very badge he carries every day as he goes into work prepared to help make the world a better place.
Where there are rallies and calls for open season on men and women who day in and day out only try to help.
Where there are people who call for a so called "justice" and gun down men and women because of the badge and uniform they wear.
Not for their personal actions, stance or words.
Simply for a badge that they delusionally believe makes every single one of them the same.
A badge that can ultimately become the reason they are taken from their families, and never return home to their wives or kids or mothers or fathers or sisters or brothers.

Six nights ago, this happened.
A man was responding to a call and as he walked up the driveway, was ambushed and gunned down by a man in a vehicle on that driveway.
A man with a wife and two children will never return home again.
And I can't wrap my head around it.
I can't make the nausea in the pit of my stomach settle whenever I see his picture or think of what happened.

As I sit here mentally, emotionally and physically preparing to attend a fundraiser benefitting the family of this fallen officer in a city not so far from where we reside, 
a large number of things are going through my mind.
At this moment, a lot of emotions I can't fully process are running through me.
So far, in 2016, there have been 38 line of Duty deaths.
19 of them from gunfire.
Each and every death shatters your heart, but this one that we are attending the fundraiser for today, really affected me.
It was too close to home for me.
I broke down when I heard the news.
They didn't release the officer's name at first, 
only that he had a wife and two small children.
My heart stopped.
We have a VERY close family friend who fit that description who worked for that department.
I sat in my car, unable to breathe 
as I stared at the text bubble dots moving
 as I waited for the response to my 
"TELL ME ___  IS OK?!??" 
message to my dear friend about her husband.
After what seems like a lifetime 
those dots turn into the phrase
"He's ok (crying emoji)"
I immediately broke down and cried.
I broke into a sweat and I balled my eyes out.

Being the wife of an officer, 
moments like this rock you to your core.
Because this thought goes through your mind every time they leave for shift.
"He may never come home, that may have been the last kiss, the last words, the last hug"
As morbid as it is, it crosses your mind every time.
But you can't won't let it consume you.
You must continue on with your day and just pray he comes back to you.

I remember during the deployment, people saying to me, 
"I don't know how you do it."

In the beginning it was the hardest adjustment I ever dealt with.
It never became any easier.
The danger didn't subside.
The fear didn't disappear.
Just a little bit at a time, day by day, it became my new way of life.
I didn't have a choice.

It is the same now.
It never gets any easier watching the man you love walk out the door and into the danger that is his career.
He chooses to make the community a better place, and I commend him for that.
I also fear for his safety.
I fear that some maniac will take him away from me and Cooper.
Some criminal will shatter our life.
Some law breaking citizen will turn our world upside down.
That some day, the community may be rallying behind us the way we are rallying behind this officer's family.

The only way I know how to keep moving on and not let it take over my life,
as I have 20+ years of these feelings to deal with,
is to know he is doing what he loves.
He wants to help the world.
He wants to walk the thin blue line to protect us from the evils in the world.
He is the Sheepdog, protecting the sheep from the wolves.

It's funny the things you find comfort in as a LEO wife.
Having women to text at 2 AM when you haven't heard from your husband in 7 hours.
The text tone at 3 AM letting you know he is safely inside the house.
The simple feeling of human contact when you reach over to his side of the bed that was empty just a few hours before when you finally had fallen asleep.
The sound of velcro.

Im going to end this post with the thank you to him I posted on my personal page last week for National Police Week.
It sums up my life, and my gratitude.
And I pray I get to thank him every day until we are old, wrinkly and grey.

As #nationalpoliceweek comes to an end, I want to take a minute to acknowledge this guy and all he does for not only our family, but the city he protects. 
The long hours, the picked up shifts, the missed birthdays, special events and holidays. 
The lack of sleep and the sore body. 
The sometimes horrific things that are seen on shift that can never be unseen.
The fear for your safety and the sobering knowledge that every time you walk out the door and hear your too young to understand son say, "you have your phone, your wallet, your keys and your badge and your gun daddy?" could very well be the last time, especially in today's society.
The never being "off duty", always scanning every room and place you enter.
The gas station dinners because everything else was closed by the time you were able to take your lunch.
The lack of respect you are shown.
The lack of support from bystanders shoving phones in your face and the media who report biased and half truthful stories that only further the divide.
The mourning of your brothers and sisters in blue, because when they bleed, you do too.
You are so much more than a man with a badge.
You walk the line and keep it safe so the general public goes about their lives never having to see even a sliver of what you see on a single shift.
Thank you for all you do, for all you sacrifice, and all you put up with.
You are an incredible human.
You deserve the world, and yet you don't ask for a single thing.
Because you are a police officer.
And you quietly and selflessly serve. 

<3